Friday, February 27, 2015

How To Feed A Toddler Lunch, in 20 Simple Steps

1. Ask toddler if he'd like a chicken-sausage sandwich.

2. Agree with toddler when he replies in the affirmative and adds that he'd like butter on that; congratulate self on knowing your child so well.

3. Prepare sandwich to toddler's exacting specifications.

4. Put sandwich on yellow plate.

5. Explain to suddenly weeping toddler that the blue plate is dirty, which is why the sandwich is on the yellow plate.

6. Consider washing blue plate to make toddler stop weeping.

7. Decide that washing blue plate is sending the wrong message.

8. Remind toddler that yellow is also a very nice color.

9. Take deep breath and remind yourself that weeping over plate colors is a developmentally
appropriate action for a two-and-a-half year old.

10. Offer to put sandwich in blue bowl, which is clean.

11. Feel relieved that you and toddler appear to have reached consensus on tableware.

12. Place sandwich in blue bowl at toddler's place at dining table.

13. Attempt to cajole toddler out of fresh weeping fit and state of apparent collapse on the floor next to dining table.

14. Attempt to decipher toddler through his sobs; gather he no longer desires sandwich.

15. Briefly, weep along with him.

16. Suggest wrapping up sandwich in a napkin and taking it with you to the playground for toddler to eat later.

17. Feel simultaneously relieved and skeptical when toddler appears to agree and stops weeping.

18. Sit down and eat your own damn sandwich, because by now you're starving.

19. Watch as toddler studiously unwraps napkin, sits down at table next to you, and inexplicably and silently eats entire sandwich.

20. Ask no questions.

This is actually Kamal eating a fairly polite breakfast at our diner date last week. 

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